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ickis
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Country: Malaysia
Birthday: 6/21/1980
Gender: Male
Expertise: shriek, loom, scare (welp, occasionally, if not the other way round)
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/24/2002
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| i thank you, dear blog, for letting me vent my anger and frustration over things time and again (yep, i'm gunna do it again now)
i hope that one day, i will be reading this again, and NOT ponder over how things coulda been different if i had done this or not done that, BUT rather come to realise how trivial things were, and they should have never brought me down the way they have/are now:
uno
person(s) involved: Y and I
work. passion? neh.
but feelings, i do have.
so something bad happens, everyone is at fault (one way or another) and someone has to take the bullet.
naturally fingers start pointing...
heh, think needles on compasses. our team? we're always at N.
the team lead (it remains laughable still for the point that i am where i am now) steps up and pulls out his defenses
emotions? yes, though they were properly concealed in front of Y and I (can't say the same for them, especially I in particular)
impact? well, the team lead sure had things go the way he wanted...
and much more!
blew the chances to travel (and run away from this hellhole for at least a bit) to thailand and slovakia. was looking forward to the latter (the guys there were a fun bunch)
lesson learnt? ah yes! wise words from someone whom i think very highly of... never get emotional at work
due
person(s) involved: B
so then... you've known a guy for more than one third of your life and you think you know him inside-out.
hah!
has got to be one of the biggest slaps to the face! ever!
friend?
i have no answer to that now after the string of events that has occured.
fact 1: i stand by my decision that he was promoted due to the his capabilities, NOT because he was my friend
fact 2: he was one of the very few people in the team that i trusted (heh! past tense!)
fact 3: he failed to impress the manager one bit (dumbass management keeps telling me that he is where he is because they respect my decision, and i'm getting bored of reassuring them of it every single time)
my senior manager (whom i hold very high regards of) once told me that the workplace is like a stage, and the most we can do to a person whom we think has got potential is to put the spotlights on them. i had to learn the hard way that whether the person performs or not under the spotlight is entirely up to himself.
oh yes, i've tried pushing for things to get them in gear.
oh hell no, that did not work at all! (very much backfired, in fact)
hate me all you want, B.
i've always been true to you as a friend, and i honestly do not expect nothing in return.
my regrets? yeah, only one. hah! your appraisal! woulda told what figure to expect if we had been talking, too bad you got suckered by the management before i had the chance :)
oh, and another thing, B... dangerous thing u're playing with there (heh, i'm not blind, fortunately)
other ppl's feelings and emotions are not toys
lesson learnt? know your friends!
tre
person(s) involved: management - D and Bu
i do not know what managers see in me that they don't in others, but i swear by the name of my forefathers that i am no cocksucker/backstabber
first, there was Bu.
for Bu, it was straight-forward, he seen me as a tool for him to get things done, and there i was, getting them done for him.
off-office, i have always treated Bu as a friend.
in fact, i pitied Bu for the knowledge that everyone else hated him; and also that he was so jaded, he was oblivious to all those things going on around him.
where did i stand? fricken trapped in-between Bu and the rest of the world
i may have given hints/suggestions on things/misunderstandings that shouldn't be existant with some minor compromise, but i have NEVER on anyone, especially Bu.
oh yes, i still hold all of Bu's deep dark secrets :)
D...
heh, everyone hates D too
well, me? i do not like him, but never have i hated him either
for D's case, it was different (compared to Bu)...
his reasons were not as apparent.
maybe i am simply another tool, but on top of that, and for whatever reason... he sees himself as my mentor (?!)
oh yes, he's been offering me counsel and advise on just about everything!
so not all of them are sound, but the point is why the heck is he doing this?
and after all these months of probing without results, i have recently given in to the fact that perhaps he does mean good after all (?)
besides, i've heard that chances of getting a boss that appreciates you are awfully remote. maybe it's time that i start appreciating what he does for me in turn? :)
bah! appreciative or whatnot, i have always respected him and his calls at work, for the single fact that he is indeed the next chain of command.
points that i drive to others and often get hated for and called names at in return:
a. what would you call someone who goes against his boss' decision? a dumbass
b. would that someone get things the way he wants them? no
c. would the valourous attempt be futile; yes
d. and be of any worth? no
always make your point, but if it the decision is not with you, never go against your boss'
i guess that's one reason why D's still keeping me here
ah! decisions...
mental note to self: always thread lightly with decisions when D's around. oh yes! very manipulative, he is sometimes
not that i've fallen for any of such (or those that i'm aware of nyways), but it's always good to have a conscience :D
lesson learnt? start saying NO to people - especially management folks (would you be interested if i ask you to... NO. can you... NO. do you know how to.... NO. breakfast/lunch/dinner? NO.) heh, i wouldn't be in this cesspool in the first place should i have known earlier
quattro
person(s) involved: C
ahhh... C...
i have always thought C as a friend outside of the office
funny and nice to be around with sometimes, but total jerkoff, known-backstabber, at any other time
in fact, tihnk the only reason that i've put up with all the above-mentioned is L (sadly, C and L are inseperable)
L... 10 times nicer than everything nice C has put together; but alas, easily manipulated by C. lost big amount of respect when he betrayed my trust once, but that's another story
anyway, back to C...
timeline of recent events...
1. D finds out abt parking tags that we have been using
2. D realises that there is one person who don't deserve them
3. D asks C to collect tag from "unworthy" person
4. C refuses
5. D brings out in meeting that he is collecting back tags and redistributing them out
6. C comes to me for "info" for "us" to "defend ourselves"
7. i tell C that i don't know anything about it, and not to worry until we hear what D plans to do with them
8. C retorts; "you always go lunch with him, sure know one"
9. i went to check with D on what his plans were
10. D did not tell, put me on guilt trip instead (tags weren't meant for us in the first place)
11. D asks me for solution, couldn't provide him with any cept to request for more tags for everyone
12. D comes back to me 2 days after, informs me of his plans to only collect tag from "unworthy" person and pass it out to someone he thinks should have it in his "redistribution" plan, and to keep what he says to myself
13. i did not agree with D's plans. why fix things that aren't broken? was still on guilt trip
14. D pulls L out to a discussion, informs L of his plans, and that i'm aware of it all along (?!)
15. L tells C
16. C tries flames me for not letting him know "something that i've known"
17. i reiterated what i said in 7, and ended with "dude, i've said what i said, believe what you want"
18. (and this is fricken hillarious!) C changes MSN nick to "i've learnt a valuable lesson this week, never trust anyone in the office. a lot of 2-faced people here"
19. me: WTF?
facts and observations:
a. D might've (if what C claims is true) told a white lie at 14 to deliver the point that he wanted-to to L. that happens. point is, D tried to emphasize the fact that he made C jumpy on purpose because C refused to do what he said; which is the reason why he had shared his plans with me all along and that he woulda with everyone else too, if C didn't refuse him (?!)
b. C was pissing his pants that he was gunna lose some perks that don't belong to him - funny as heck!
c. D is evil. but i already know that
d. WTF is very aptly used in the context above
*sigh*
i told myself that C has drawn the last straw and the he has went the lowest of low
*sigh*
i keep telling myself that i know better and that i should just let it go
*sigh*
i can't help being upset over this even though i know for sure that i'm going to look back at this one day and laugh my ass off
*sigh*
cinque
person(s) involved: N
i do not know where to start with N...
N's case is a mixture of both due and quattro, i guess
i must confess that i did not like N at first, don't remember the exact reason, but the first impression weren't too good.
then i got to know N better, i remember being newly placed in the TL position and one of the trade accounts that N were stationed at were in shambles.
don't recall if it was by request or not, but N stood-up and were incredibly helpful during meetings and coming up with the workflows.
management then decides that we have a new position to be filled and i am to give a name to them.
i had not a clue on what the person's responsibilities are going to be, went to the management and got roughly:
1. liase with internal management
2. view/correct process workflows/documents
3. audit deliverables
so i went in search (very limited talent pool of folks with good english and sound knowledge of processes), and N's name popped up.
was reluctant to talk to N initially (who'd want to shift to longer hours with no-promised increment nyways?), but to my delight, N was enthusiastic about the post when i asked, so i pass N's name to the management.
the friendship with N improved over time, got to know each other, and i thought i found a friend to talk to and confide in (it was very fun for as long as that lasted nyways).
can't say the same for N work-wise tho
a lot of responsibilites were rested upon N's shoulders without proper guidance, even some that should not have been
N ended up being all depressed and stuff over work (was having a real hard time day-in and out), i tried to help but my hands were tied (there was once i went to the senior manager, but he assured me that things were fine)
i get occasional complaints about N when i go out with D and C, but every single time, i have defended N and asked them to cut N some slack
i do not know the exact reasons why, but i have outlined:
1. the claims were invalid
2. i felt responsible and guilty for putting N here
3. i'm defending a friend
i felt crappy for being all helpless, but things went on, and they got better over time (or so it seemed)
hah!
then one fine day, N comes up to me all pissy and says i call her names behind her back
wtf?
i remember asking for an explanation or even a chance for me to defend myself
got rejected for both
oh heck yeah! wtf?!
ME? call you names? i do not deny the fact that i laugh at/relay crude insensitive jokes other ppl make about you, but i have never given you any names, period!
my beef? i've got to know N well enough that i had started to get reclusive when ppl poke fun of her and this is what i get in return?
guess the friend part was never mutual by N's books
or is it a norm to treat friends this way?
anyway, lesson learnt, people are people. they will listen to what they want to, come up with their own conclusions, and shut everything else out. heh, reminds me of Sim :)
slash end ode to N
so much for my grouses for one day, i guess
sometimes i wonder if all these things that are bugging me are nothing but figments of my imagination
maybe it is for a fact that i'm too full of myself, that i'm too stuck in my own world to realise that i am indeed an apple-polishing, backstabbing, badmouthing asshole
now that's a lovely thought (and a few hours less of sleep)
whatever it is, i have decided that i should lay back and stay away from people as much as i could (at work, at least; so that they can hate me all they want and i don't have to give a flying rat's ass abt em!)
pieced up all the the advice (good ones) that D have given me... something that i remind myself of when things go awry...
we won't be here forever, this place is nothing but a phase. and it's impossible to keep everyone happy; only thing we can do is to always be true to ourselves so that one day when we look back, there would not be a single regret
ickis
- full of bullcrap | | |
| heh... had craploads to post 10 minutes earlier, then i got in and looked at my previous entry, and everything *poof* disappeared
i never learn
ah well, agreed to join ss and his lyn pals to start over on new server today
first agenda? screenies!
new beginning?
mmm... they seem like a fun bunch nyways
now to find time...
ickis
- wow addict | | |
| lessee...
if i don't care, i am being insensitive
if i do care, i am being pretentious
?!
always thought i had a sense to tell between right and wrong (big mistake to share that with others btw)
?!
was wrong
shouldn't have bothered
what? friends? hah!
ickis
- insensitive (and loving it!) | | |
| bwahaha!
ok, this deserves an entry!!
John Terry...Indestructible Chelsea Skipper says:
chen...last time u said there is a song called vacinated...or something like that
ickis - guilty as charged! says:
vindicated, lmfao
ohh... there's more to come...
John Terry...Indestructible Chelsea Skipper says:
nanti wow ok?
John Terry...Indestructible Chelsea Skipper says:
around 9 pm..k?
ickis - guilty as charged! says:
wat time?
ickis - guilty as charged! says:
cannot
ickis - guilty as charged! says:
i'm going pasar malam with a friend (girl, bwahahaha!)
John Terry...Indestructible Chelsea Skipper says:
puki
ickis - guilty as charged! says:
jealous?
John Terry...Indestructible Chelsea Skipper says:
chen...i got gf liao
John Terry...Indestructible Chelsea Skipper says:
i won't jealous
John Terry...Indestructible Chelsea Skipper says:
:P
ickis - guilty as charged! says:
waseh...
lol
w00t! so much for us being losahs who'd be single the rest of our lives!
u go, siong!
woohoohoo!
ickis
- didn't see that coming, but definately happy for him! *throws confetti in the air*
w00t! | | |
| WHAT? IT'S FRIDAY ALREADY?!
there goes my (quote senior manager) well-deserved break (end quote)
... :/ no hey...
where did them 5 days go?
lessee...
DAY 1: lazed around in the morning (ahhh yes! i got up... in the morning! all by myself!
what? alarm clocks? neh... they don't work! well, for me at least. but then again... i don't see why anyone wouldn't get up, turn the alarm off, and get right back to his/her slumber
uhuh... it's completely normal even if someone were to place his/her alarm clock 10 meters away from his/her bed, walk to it when it goes off, turn it off, and the go right back to sleep...
errr... yeah!
alarm clocks?! bah! *hugs mom* but she deserves another entry...
now where were we?
oh yeah, my first day of the break...
mmm... lazed around till around noon, installed and played ROME total war (bought that along with vampire the masquerade and hitman contracts some months back when i got my 6600GT for WoW) for a bit... one word...
BORING!
yeah, desmond, if you are reading this (not that you're gunna ever, nyways)...
BORING!
hmmm...
so much for a good start to get back into PC games again
yep, those days of anticipating game releases (pirated, of course) and hanging out at imbi are nothing but a distant memory now
oh back to the story, rushed to low yat, grabbed myself a temp replacement for my prolink hurricane 9000p, had a good deal for a d-link dsl-500t (big mistake!)
had to rush back, and then to puduraya to meet L (whom i said yes to when he asked whether i wanted to go to singapore with him and C, for his interview the following dat). was 30 minutes late, but figured it didn't matter cuz we didn't buy any bus tix beforehand. had quick lunch, waited another 1 hour for C (and i thought i was late!).
got tix for 4:30 bus, started to go at 5:00, got to sgp at around 11.
i did not sleep a wink the whole journey. well, the ride wasn't exactly confortable and that uncle infront keeps farting (yes, farting!) throughout the ride.
but that wasn't the reason why i didn't sleep (just the reason why i had my t-shirt pulled up over my head).
ah yes... i mad mucho thinking going on inside this peanut-sized brain.
i never liked the thought of being alone, but it was actually good, having all the time in the world (or only ~5 hours, which seemed like an eternity for that matter) to reflect on things, make a few decisions (of which i detest most), and opt for changes that'll make things better.
strangely enough, i had chantal on my trusty clie and this song played when i was about to give up...
"You were searching for a soul
Tearin' yourself apart just to become whole, oh
You were walkin' down the road
Only to find your reflection in the puddles below, oh oh
Uh oh, you're soul searchin'
I see that dangerous look in your eyes
Uh oh, you're soul searchin'
But is a soul really worth your whole life
In these circles you seem to go
Never finding the centre
Never finding your way home
And do you ever see yourself
When you look in the mirror
Or is it a reflection of everyone else
Uh oh, you're soul searchin'
I see that dangerous look in your eye
Uh oh, you're soul searchin'
But is a soul really worth your whole life
There's a part of me that wants to hold you
And tell you everything is gonna be OK
And there's a part of me that wants to shake you
And tell you there's no such thing as a soul anyway, hey hey
I see that dangerous look in your eyes
Uh oh, you're soul searchin'
But is a soul really worth your whole life
Oh, I don't need to know myself that well oh
Oh, I don't need to know you better today
Oh, I don't need to know myself that well
I don't need to anyway"
Chantal Kreviazuk - Soul Searching
well, it was then when i figured that perhaps there's no reason behind all these crap that i put up with the people and things around me after all.
i'm wasting my time looking for something inside of me that is not even there to begin with.
so then...
that reaffirms my previous entry... that i should never have bothered in the first place.
uhuh... :)
argh! i'm getting out of context again
right... singapore!
got to hotel around midnite... C and L were good company... hillarious most of the time
i wanted to go to clarke quay, didn't happen, ended up in geylang (yeppers, THE red light district)...
no, it was more of a look-see thing, no touching, or having transit sessions in them hotels (omg! they musta have around 20 of them hotels in that small area) bwahahaha~
the taxi driver provided us with elaborate descriptions on them errm... well... i'm lost for words...
but it was definately an eye-opener
my jaw kept hitting the floor looking out the windows
but enough about that...
hand tong sui at apparently a famous stall
but dangit! yau char kuey, tau foo far and peanuts (?!) deffo don't mix!
bought my escape ticket that night from an uncle selling them at the tong sui place
9th of April *chant* TWOFOURZEROSIXFOURFIVEZERO *chant*
got back to the hotel around 2, showered, poke fun of ppl from the office, sleep (very late!)
MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: ALWAYS, ALWAYS try to sleep earlier than those ppl whom you know will snore in the future. take drugs if need be.
DAY 2: L got up early (it was his interview nyways)
then myself and C. went to cash free breakfast at the restaurant downstairs, decent food (hey, it's free!)
headed to i-forgot-the-name-of-the-place next, met up with C and L's former coursemate
rachel. nice lady, brought us to i-forgot-the-name-of-the-place for hainanese chicken rice.
mmm... good food!
bugis junction next (rachel's recommedation over orchard road)... got the palm stuff that i wanted to at sim lim, quite a bargain, the case and privacy filter
spent the next couple of hours searching fer agnes' chocolates...
those cadbury peppermint (bleh!) bars and M&M's crispy large packs are IMPOSSIBLE to find, walked everywhere! tarak! actually felt bad to get home empty handed, made C & L somewhat pissed following me around also, they walk like snails, i tell ya. up to a certain point... i told them, ok... u two wait here, i go hunt! wasn't much of a success either, in fact, already given up, but then i walked in cold storage to get myself a drink... and AHA! CADBURY PEPPERMINT (bleh!) at the cashier counter... tho not really them bars she asked for, but it's better than nothing, i thought.
was running late and we had to go back, cuz C & L had to actually work the following day.
so i missed out on my pair of shoes AGAIN.
but heck, i was a happy puppy cuz i got them cadbury peppermint chocolates (bleh!)
ride home was a brisk.
no uncles farting in front this time, but seriosuly, L's snoring = BAD!
DAY 3: lazed around.
done absolutely nothing the whole day.
played 10 minutes of WoW, got bored, went back to sleep.
DAY 4: sleep, dinner with MS.
MFM @KLCC, fun! :)
went to luna next (exclusive bar at penthouse - lvl 34 of the PanGlobal building).
first visit... i was in awe!
KL's nightview, the crowd, the lighting, the ambience, the atmosphere... everything! perfect!
but good things never happen to me... (now do they?)
so it happens that MS is afraid of heights.
but had a good time nonetheless.
talked & laughed till late.
she even asked me fer pasar malam today (wee~ HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!).
DAY 5: didn't plan for it to be as eventful, but had a good time talking to Nadiah on MSN.
then somehow managed to agitate Agnes over melaka trip.
shan't go any further on that, but i seriously felt like crap when she was mad and went offline.
i most definately DID NOT see that coming!
and seriously... I FELT LIKE A NO-GOOD PIECE OF CRAP!
so much for trying to be funny...
NOTE TO SELF: NEVER EVER pull one in front of Agnes AGAIN! EVER!
well, to be honest, i wasn't even trying to... but it woulda been so much easier on everyone else if i made it sound like i was... so we'll just keep it that way.
awrite! it's 7:30!! PASAR MALAM! PASAR MALAM! weee~!
ickis
- not funny person <-- yes, u tell yourself that now! | | |
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